My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I had your ass I would rule the world
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
