new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
