I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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