im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
