i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
