Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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