WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
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Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
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In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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