I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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