just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
