M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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