im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
