you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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