make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
