In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
