I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Less talking, more tequila
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
