he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
