Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
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You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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