Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
