i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
