Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
