some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
