When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You made out with two different species that night
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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