YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just cropdusted the office
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Someone shattered a urinal.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
