I accidentally had phone sex last night
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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