I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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