Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I did not marry a roomba.
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