There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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