and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
