it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
