i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
