Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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