Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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