so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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