Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Buhtt sex?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
