just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
