did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
