I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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