He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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