I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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