I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
