I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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