this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
