Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
