idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
