I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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