His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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