i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
