we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
