WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
