And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
