His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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