So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
