Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
