I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Randomize
