You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
