just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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